It’s no secret that moving home can be stressful for adults. But children – even those who are excited about their new home – can also feel anxious or overwhelmed.
I recently learned this for myself when we moved with our children, aged 11 and 13, from just outside London to rural Worcestershire. It was a huge upheaval for all of us and I’ll never forget the tears rolling down my daughter’s cheeks as she said goodbye to her school friends. Months on, the children are still suffering from feelings of loss– none of it helped by Covid restrictions.
But they’re embracing their new life too – enjoying being nearer friends we already knew from around here, as well as making new ones. They love their new bedrooms, bigger garden and awesome surroundings.
We feel like we’re in the middle of the countryside, yet we’re a short bus ride from the city – the best of both worlds. And we are loving discovering beautiful places like Cheltenham and Ludlow, as well as new pubs, restaurants, parks and walks. Coming to a new area, home and school has been an adventure – even the accents are different, as my son pointed out!
Nicola Ball, a psychotherapist who runs The Talking Rooms, advises parents to keep acknowledging the conflicting feelings of excitement and worry.
‘Whatever age children are, it’s important to be positive about the move. But listening to their concerns – the things they’re leaving behind, whether that’s their bedroom, friends, clubs or anything else – is equally important both before and after the move,’ she says.
Small worries can grow quickly, especially during periods of change, she says, but the old adage of ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ can go a long way with children. And you might be surprised to learn what younger children assume they’re leaving behind.
‘Turns out my son thought he’d have to leave all our furniture and all his cuddly toys behind – he was devastated until I put him straight!’ says Andrea Hamilton, who moved with her son from one side of Hertfordshire to the other last autumn.
‘Trying to manage your own emotions is important,’ adds Nicola Ball. ‘Moving can be stressful and children can pick up on this. If you take care of yourself, you can be more emotionally available for your child.’
Involving the children as early as possible in the process can go a long way, says author and coach Natalie Trice. She moved five years ago with her children, then aged six and eight, from Bucks to Devon and is now writing a book for Little Brown on how to successfully relocate.
‘We were really open with our children right from the beginning of our plans and included them every step of the way,’ she says. ‘From driving past the school and doing open and taster days, right through to taking them to see the house more than once and doing several recces of the area,’ she says.
‘We also spent a lot of time encouraging them to ask questions, which included: where would Nanny sleep when she comes? Is there a place for the dog and cat? How far is the home from the school and will we walk or drive? I think it really helped them feel in control,’ she says.
Social media can come into its own during a family move, adds Trice. ‘My children missed all their friends like mad, and this is where technology can play a part. It makes it easier to maintain those friendships and they still see their friends from Bucks whenever we go back. Anything that helps to reassure them that the move isn’t a full stop on their old life is a good thing.’
Trice recommends ‘gentle positive psychology’ to reassure children who are anxious: ‘We used things like worry dolls and had discussions around three good things at the end of each day,’ she explains, adding that her children felt reassured knowing they’d have a buddy at their new school, and that there was a school counsellor if they needed someone to talk to.
Charlotte Roberts moved from the outskirts of London to Shropshire with her husband and six-year-old son earlier this year.
‘Honing into his interests really helped us play on the positives of the move,’ she says. ‘We showed him the local parks and all the things he’d be able to do. And because he’s into geography, rivers and maps, we explored all the local things that we knew he’d be interested in.’
I know from our move just how much it helped for our children to have some say in choosing their bedrooms and deciding on things like layout and paint colours, and Charlotte says the same.
‘Anything that gave him a sense of ownership over the move seemed to help. In fact, we let him break the news to his grandparents that we were moving. Being the keeper of our secret was a big deal for him and of course they – who we are now much closer to us geographically – were delighted and he got to experience that really positive reaction.’
Reading books about moving home can really help younger children to get used to the idea, says Dr Amanda Gummer, child research psychologist and founder of The Good Play Guide.
‘Role play can be good too – get out the Sylvanian families or Playmobil and set up a moving house game. Perhaps suggest that one of the characters is a bit worried about moving and use your child’s reaction to get them to open up about their own feelings.’
Uniting the old with the new is a good way of smoothing the transition, she adds – and again, this has been a godsend for my children. ‘When you check out the new area, consider taking one of your child’s friends with you and invite old friends to stay as soon as possible,’ says Gummer.
Becky Stevens moved with her husband and six children, ranging from six months old to 12-years-old, to their holiday home in Mallorca at the end of 2020 when tier 4 was announced.
‘We’ve had the works including tears and tantrums, which still continue and make us wonder if we’ve done the right thing. But with six kids, the thought of a second lockdown and home schooling them in our sardine tin house in Clapham just tipped us over the edge!’
With the benefit of hindsight, she says she’d have done things in less of a rush and been more clear with her kids that they aren’t going back to London ‘because they still seem to think there’s a glimmer of hope that we will,’ she says. ‘But children are resilient and they have made friends,’ she adds.
‘I think the two main things I’ve learned are that, first, you have to deal with a move slightly differently according to each of your child’s ages and personality. My six-year-old hadn’t made enough loyal friendships for that to worry her – she just wants to know when her cuddly toys are going to arrive, whereas the older girls really miss their friends.
‘And second, you need to remember the bigger picture whereas children tend to see things only in the moment. I constantly remind myself that we did this for a reason and that we know best, having thought about this in the longer term. And I know that they will thank us, one day.’